::melting heart::

As we sat down for snack time, Judah said, "Mommy, you're my best friend! But you know who who's even more my best friend? GOD!"

Say that again?

Sometimes, I am left dumbfounded. At dinner tonight:

Judah: I want zero percent.

Me: You want zero percent?? Is that what you said?

Judah: Yes, zero percent.

Me: Zero percent of what?

Judah: A car made out of food. Um, I think chocolate.

In an emergency...

We're working on teaching Judah how to dial 911 on my phone and WHEN he is supposed to do it (i.e. when Mommy can't get to the phone). While eating lunch with him today, he randomly piped up and said, "So, when you're dead, I'll dial...um...8? No, 6?..."

Uh, you don't have to wait until I'm dead, Judah!

Death & Bulrushes

We just started Exodus the other night in our nightly family Bible reading. Matt took the time to talk a little about death with the boys -- since the transition from Genesis to Exodus pretty much says "they all died." :-) I was not present for this conversation, so I was a little bewildered the next day when Judah and I exchanged the following:

Judah: I love Eden VERY much...

Me: Awww, I'm so glad you do!

Judah: But she'll get older and then die.

::stunned::

We talked a little about the difference between spirit and body. Try explaining to a 4 year old that who he is can not be seen. We only see his body. And even when his body dies, Judah will still exist -- prayerfully with Jesus if he believes in and loves Jesus! I told him that his spirit is what does the thinking and feeling. Unfortunately, I can't remember his cute response that involved the brain and heart. :-P (Later on, I told Matt about our conversation and was then informed of the little lesson on death the previous night.) I love being a mom. SO many times that I am forced to reckon and grapple with the basics of life as I try to explain it to my children. We learn things, get it under our belt, and then forget to keep pondering. We humans sure miss out on a lot of the depth that life in God's world brings!

Back to Exodus, last night's reading was about when Moses was placed in the basket and sent downriver. Talk about a new perspective! When Moses was 3 months old, his mother could no longer keep him hidden. Eden is 3 months old. As Matt read that chapter, I kept looking at my smiling, squealing Eden imagining how hard it must have been for Moses's mom to place her little guy in a basket she made and then put that basket in a mighty river. Could she have known the outcome? Drowning, eaten by animals, starvation...many things could have taken her son's life. And she probably knew that. Even thinking about my baby crying and not being able to get to her and calm her hurts me. And she's just upstairs -- not in the Nile all by herself.

But this woman had great faith. She had choices. She could have given up hiding him and succumbed to Pharaoh's soldiers. She could have tried to keep him hidden, eventually to be found by the soldiers. She even could have taken his life as a "mercy act" on herself and her baby boy -- his death was an eventuality in men's eyes. But instead, she made the most raw choice. She gave up her baby to creation. A creation that serves its Maker. The Maker she was devoted to. She gave her little son to God, wholly and compeltely. And in giving up her son, she gained him back. By putting Moses into an incredibly dangerous situation for a 3 month old, she saved his life...and got to finish nursing him, raise him a few years, train him...and then see him become one of the greatest men of all time in Egypt and in the history of the Jews!

Would I be willing to give up any of my children in such a way? Would you?

Kids Say the Most Random Things

While wrestling with Elijah, Judah yelled, "MICHAEL JACKSON!"

Raw Vocabulary

Last night, we received quite the picture of raw Flesh bucking against consequences for disobedience. For a while, there has been a hole in the boys' wall right by Judah's top bunk. He's picked at the hole several times and been disciplined for it. Since Matt had yesterday off, he decided to patch 'n paint the wall. During naptime, Judah called him up to ask for a hand wash...Judah had picked at the spackle and made a complete mess (including all over sleeping Elijah). We spent several hours trying to figure out what would be the best consequence for such a thing. Most pertinent was missing the picnic and swimming with a group of friends in order to watch Daddy repair the wall yet again. Judah, our social fishy, was absolutely distraught! He carried on with yelling and crying. After some thought, Matt revised and said Judah could go but would not be allowed to swim. After all, Matt didn't want to miss out by staying home with Judah! But Judah reacted the same way he did when he was told he couldn't go at all -- lots of loud, tearful protest. After a few minutes, because of his unthankful response, Matt gave the final word that he and Judah would stay home. Again, Judah lost it; but this time, he kept telling Matt (through sobs), "I need to tell you something, Daddy!" Matt calmly put him on the couch and said, "I'm listening." It took about 20 seconds for Judah to eek out between sobs...

"I accept your solution."

Wow. Even when not terribly upset, it would be weird to hear a four year old say that. I walked away so that no one would see the small smile fighting its way onto my face. It was terribly sad but a little funny, too. He still was not allowed to go because he should have accepted Daddy's solution when it was given. It's like saying "I'm sorry"...good, but doesn't negate the need for consequence.

Got me thinking. I pray that someday (soon?), Judah will accept Jesus' solution. For now, it is offered freely at any moment in time. He just needs to realize and internalize Jesus' solution to sin -- salvation! In the future, there will come a day when the time for accepting the Solution will pass. There will be no mercy after that.

And, as an adult, I need to continue to accept Jesus' solution. Judah needs the initial solution Christ provides which is a repentant and cleansed heart. I need the continual solution of daily remembering that I am no longer a slave to sin. Seeking the Lord and His strength is my lifelong solution to the battle I wage against my raw Flesh. May I daily use the same vocabulary my four year old did and say, "I accept Your solution!"

Milk, Steak, & Date

Judah asked me why I always drink so much water (which I probably don't drink enough...). I explained to him that as summer comes, it's very important for our bodies to have extra water...and Mommy particularly needs more water because my body makes milk for Eden. He thought for a few moments. "So, with Jesus in your heart, does He tell your tummy to make milk for Eden?" It's a little difficult to explain to kids that God created things to work a certain way and then it keeps working that way. Sounds close to deism...but that's not what I mean. After making a big mental effort in trying to explain that, Judah simply said again, "So Jesus tells your tummy to make milk?" Well, yes, He does! His creation obeys the rules He has set forth...but without God continuing to hold all things together, I suppose my tummy wouldn't have to make milk if it didn't want to. :-)

I accidentally put Judah's big boy cup of milk in front of Elijah at breakfast. The boys promptly pointed out my error. I corrected the problem while saying, "I'm sorry...My mistake!" Elijah, in a that's-so-silly voice, said, "You're not a steak, Mommy!'

Hubz surprised me last night by informing me that, unbeknownst to me, he secured a sitter for Friday night. That means a date, people! Such a rarity with three youngins! Where to go...what to do...

Count Your Many Dairies

Judah and Elijah just filled a hamper to the brim with toys and scooted it into the kitchen ("church" they said). Elijah said they had toys in the basket, and Judah followed with, "Yeah, like thousands!" Really?

So, Eden is dairy intolerant. Wow. And I thought cutting out coffee and chocolate was hard! I went dairy free (except baked goods) for 3-4 days. Had pizza one evening, and the next morning Eden fussed to high heaven while nursing. Then she proceeded to have milky spit-up for 30 minutes followed by another 20 minutes of thick spit-up. Today, she's spitting up less but now has a great need for diaper changing (if you catch my drift). Dr. L is fairly certain she has a dairy intolerance and told me I need to hold off. ::sigh:: So I shall. It's worth it to nurse her. And it's only for a few more months. (Eek!)

Three things I have noticed in this non-dairy week:

1) You feel like you're not really eating. "Real" food contains gooey cheese you can sink your teeth into...or cold and creamy yogurt...or deliciously dessertful ice cream...or a refreshing glass of milk with your pancakes...or a simple bowl of cereal with milk. Nope. None of that anymore.

2) You have to get pretty basic with your diet when dairy isn't in the picture. This really surprised me. Milk is in almost everything! Granted, I still think I'm ok to eat baked goods, butter, and other things that have little dairy content. But think of how much we use cheese, sour cream, cream soups, etc. in our cuisine!

3) A diet without dairy has less fat! (Hence the feeling of not having "real" food...)

So I now embark on a journey of figuring out how I'm going to eat and plan meals for my family over the next few months until Eden is weaned. All ideas are welcome!!! And pray for me to persevere for Eden's good!

And maybe pray that when I try coffee and chocolate in a week or so after being no-dairy a little longer, that maybe she'll be ok with those. That MIGHT be an even trade...

Green Bean Security

The other day we had some green beans with our lunch. For some reason (human nature?), my boys are on strike from vegetables AND fruit (ugh). So, per my sister's advice, a new rule is that they have to take at least one bite of everything on their plate at every meal. We were webcam-ing with my mom while eating, both of us trying to coax the boys to eat at least one green bean. We were using the race tactic of who could eat the bean first. My mom sing-songy asked, "Who's going to wiiin?" Elijah replied with "Not meee."

Today, Eden received her social security card. As I was opening it, Judah asked me what it was. I told him it was her social security card. He then asked, "What is social security?" All I could say with a grin only an adult can give was, "That is a VERY good question, Judah."

Two-Week Heart Check

It's been about two weeks since we welcomed our little Eden into our arms -- and what a glorious two weeks it has been! She is so different from either of our boys! Nursing has been a breeze to establish, so much that I can actually have warm fuzzy thoughts towards her while she is nursing. That NEVER happened with the boys because nursing was so difficult with them. At two weeks, she is already on a pretty solid 3 hour schedule and has slept 4-5 hours straight the past two nights (hopefully a new pattern...).

I consider this to be a huge blessing and gift straight from the Lord. Eden is our last newborn. And we have had nothing but sweet joy and an easy transition to three kids (which we were told by many would be the hardest). Just shy of two weeks with a newborn and already Matt and I are in awe that we feel like things are routine. That's right -- routine! It seems surreal.

Not once have I had regrets or tears over our decision that Eden would be our last biological baby as I expected I would. Not in the recovery room and not in the days since then. My thoughts have consistently been along positive lines. Resting in the knowledge that my body is finished being put through the rigors and pains of pregnancy and c-sections as well as being excited to get in shape for good. Feeling complete as a family (like my arms are "full," as my mom describes it). Looking forward to years of worry-free romance with my hubby. I haven't focused at all on not ever again having a pregnant belly, feeling a baby inside, etc. And even thinking about that now as I write leaves me unaffected emotionally. God is SO good to affirm decisions we make in faith by allowing our hearts to be at peace once the decision is final.

Thank you, Father, for letting Your peace reign in my heart these last two weeks. From the moments in surgery when I knew my child-bearing days were ending to tonight when I see my last newborn in her daddy's arms, I relish this "complete" feeling You have given my heart. I sit in awe at how You have granted our family an incredibly easy transition to three children and life with a daughter. What a gift to have so much enjoyment with our last newborn journey!

The Time Has Come

Monday is a big day. A day of joyous "hello" and bittersweet "goodbye."

We say a joyous "hello" to our daughter Eden! What a change this will bring to our home. She makes our kid-count three, what we've heard to be the hardest transition in a family's life. She is a...she! That in itself is a major shift in thinking for all of us. Different colors, more clothes and accessories, different diaper changes... But we are excited to welcome her. Our hearts are more than ready though our brains are still trying to comprehend how this transition is going to happen!

We say a bittersweet "goodbye" to our childbearing. This is something I had to come to grips with before we even got pregnant with Eden, that my hubby had a strong preference we stop having biological children at three due to increased risks with repeat c-sections. It was a long two months of praying, soul searching, motive evaluating, and counsel seeking. But God was faithful to answer, reveal, and provide. My heart moved in line with my husband's compassionate and wise desire to protect his wife, and it has remained at peace since then. But I knew as delivery drew near with our third child, the bittersweet moments would increase. I'll never have a pregnant belly again. Never feel a baby moving inside my womb. Never again go through one of the most incredible Creation processes that can ONLY point to an amazing Creator. But God is good to provide positives in my thinking to counteract the bittersweetness. Better motivation to get and stay in shape knowing pregnancy will no longer hinder nor help me. Clear focus on raising three children for a good chunk of years. Intimacy for the sole purpose of intimacy, free from planning and wondering (one of the reasons we chose to stack our childbearing at the beginning of marriage). Yes, it's bittersweet. But praise the Lord for peace within that emotion.

And praise the Lord that, though we are done being pregnant, we are not done having children. Somewhere, someday, we pray that He will guide us to one more precious Arrow to welcome into our family as a picture of what He has done for us.

We have been fruitful and multiplied. He has filled our quiver with blessings. He has built our house. And we will continue to step out in faith, believing that He is guiding us in these major life events and decisions.

Thank you, Lord, for the privilege of carrying three of your creations within me. Thank you for allowing me to be a woman and experience Your miraculous creation of the childbearing process. I will treasure it always. May You be my Strength as I now must carry myself with strength and dignity knowing I will not bear children again. May You cause me to continually smile at the future when, if You are willing, we bring home a fourth child to raise for Your glory.

Judah's Dinner Prayer

"Dear Jesus, thank you for this food and for the beautiful weather that you made for us. And please help Mommy to feel better by eating ice because she's an adult. Amen."

Note: Chewing ice is common for me during this late pregnancy. It's theraputic for some reason and cools me down. I told the boys only adults eat ice, and gave the "it makes me feel better" cop-out to Judah when he asked why I do it. :-)

A Beautiful Picture

An Excerpt from "The Wife" by Washington Irving

...Nothing can be more touching than to behold a soft and tender female, who had been all weakness and dependence, and alive to every trivial roughness, while treading the prosperous paths of life, suddenly rising in mental force to be the comforter and support of her husband under misfortune, and abiding, with unshrinking firmness, the bitterest blasts of adversity.

As the vine, which has long twined its graceful foliage about the oak and been lifted by it into sunshine, will, when the hardy plant is rifted by the thunderbolt, cling round it with it's caressing tendrils, and bind up its shattered boughs; so is it beautifully ordered by Providence, that woman, who is the mere dependent and ornament of man in his happier hours, should be his stay and solace when smitten with sudden calamity; winding herself into the rugged recesses of his nature, tenderly supporting the drooping head, and binding up the broken heart.

A Tale of Three Pregnancy Comments

Yesterday, I was grocery shopping by myself, pushing through my body's exhaustion after having run several errands already. I was looking for a certain spice mix in the baking aisle when this guy all of the sudden walks quickly past me from behind. As he passed by, my ears heard him quietly say, "So when is that baby girl due?" Now, the fact that he kept walking quickly and that he spoke so quietly meant that my brain was not processing everything as it was happening. So after a few seconds of figuring out exactly what words he said and then being astounded, I managed to call out, "Next month." After a few more seconds of shocked processing, I called out louder, "How did you know it's a girl??" He turned around but kept walking backwards as he said, "I can just tell. You're carrying high. And I have two of my own." He turned and was gone from my aisle. I still stood there in complete shock. So much, that I said to a fellow lady shopper who had seen the exchange, "That was freaky." She gave a little laugh and moved on. The simple fact that this stranger (who was male) knew I was having a girl and commented on it is weird enough. But what makes it MORE weird is that EVERY person who has commented on what I'm having has argued with me that it must be a boy because of how I am carrying. Two women in particular actually held a conversation with me for a minute or more about how I had to be having a boy no matter how many times I reassured them it was indeed a girl, confirmed by several ultrasounds. The Safeway Stranger is one I will never forget!

Then today, an older lady at church graciously approached me and asked with a gentle smile "How are you feeling? Big?" I told her I'm good save for a couple small complaints of back/hip pain and the onset of swelling but I only have a month left. That's when the conversation took a turn towards major confusion and foot-in-mouth disease for her. She asked something about if I knew whether or not it was twins. (WHAT??) I think I was so surprised at the question that I stammered my reply it was not twins and couldn't imagine carrying two babies. Then she started questioning if they can tell if someone is having twins these days, like do ultrasounds show if there are two babies or is it a surprise. (::dumbfounded stare::) I told her absolutely they know if you are having twins and was going to go into the fact that even if you don't have an ultrasound, they can still find two heartbeats. But she cut me off with, "Well, I guess she's just a big girl then, huh?" (Oh dear.) "Well, no actually she is small which is part of why they are continuing to monitor her with monthly ultrasounds." I think she realized that was her Strike Two, and she may have then mentioned something about me looking big. I told her I was actually smaller than I was with either of my sons. Strike Three. I don't even remember how the conversation ended, probably too mystified by the plainly odd nature of her questioning and also feeling sorry for her indirectly saying three times I was big when all the facts prove I'm quite small for 34 weeks. I didn't have the heart to also tell her NO ONE has told me I look big. :-P

Which brings me to the Mailman's comment this past week. I've had some issues with this mailman in the past seeming almost too friendly and knowledgeable of me and my family (including telling me once that I have a beautiful face...). But I think I've gotten over my fear and realized that he just must be my Really Friendly Neighborhood Mailman. So the other day, the boys ran to the mailbox when he was there so he could give them the mail. I moseyed on over to supervise. Mailman asked me how baby was doing. I told him fine, that she was arriving next month. He exclaimed, "Next month?? You're not big at all! I thought you were going to say you had 5 months left or something." ::shock:: I think I said thank you, and then I explained that I am smaller than I was with either of the boys. But then I got to thinking...what would Mailman (or anyone) say if they thought I was huge and I said I had one month left. You don't hear people exclaiming, "WOW! A whole month left? You're already a land whale. How much bigger could you possibly get?" I suppose people must just give a cordial "hmm" or blank smile instead of responding with that if it's what they believe about you. So I'm content with the Mailman's opposite response. :-P

Encouragement - From a 4-Year Old

I sat there sewing another nursing cover for a friend. Judah was standing by the table playing with Toby, the latest addition to his Thomas set. All of the sudden, he very gently said, "Mommy? You are so good...you are so good to sew those for other mommies."

::teary:: Wow. My sweet 4-year old son recognized that what I do for business is also goodness towards others. That what I sew is used by other mommies and helps them. Somehow, because of his fresh innocence in discovering non-tangible concepts, it meant the world to me to hear him say that. It was also somewhat of a relief to know that, though I'm not spending time with him when I sew, he understands why I do it.

Thank you, Lord. It was precious to see growth in my son's understanding of what You require of us. And the encouragement was simply a bonus!

Why have children?

That's a question I've asked myself a few times in the last week as pregnancy has ramped up fatigue and back/hip pain...and also as two high-energy boys are about to be joined by another child.

Today, I pondered the question a little more because the question has definitely irritated me. Why would I ask that? I love my kids!

When you get down to the bottom of it, the reason we have children is not:

1) Because that's what we humans do.

2) To gain enjoyment from them (because they certainly cause an equal amount of trials!).

3) To raise up more humans who can live happy lives just moving about this earth.

So why have children? I think there are two very foundational reasons while all other reasons are merely bonuses to our earthly lives.

We have children because we are commanded to.

But more importantly, we have children in order to raise up more people who will bring glory to God's name. Not that we are adding to His glory -- He is already 100% glory. We are just adding voices and lives who can increase the celebration of His glory. And if I as a mom can learn to keep THAT my focus in raising my kids, so much will fall into place in the mothering process (like patience, love, spending time on discipline and teaching, etc.).

When everything else is the focus, everything will be blurry.

When God's glory is the focus, everything else becomes crystal clear.

Psalm 127

Judah's Breakfast Prayer & a ScripBit

Simple, but too cute for a Momma not to share.

"Dear Jesus, thank you for this wonderful day you made for us. ::distracted by Elijah...distracted again...:: And thank you for all this food to fill our tummies. Amen."

Today's ScripBit (a bit from Scripture):

"And Jesus answered them, 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.'" -Luke 5:31-32

Simply put, humility is needed for true repentance to happen.

Soldiers & Shrinking

Judah has proven that he has entered that phase of childhood in which thought-provoking questions are a daily occurrence.

Yet another early morning breakfast question... "Does Jesus love soldiers?"

I was a little stunned (again) at the randomness of this question since nothing that morning had been remotely related to soldiers. Maybe there was something on the morning news he saw that my mind missed? Or perhaps his mind was going back to the Nightly News the evening before. To give a little context, even before my sons were born, I held the conviction that guns were not going to be toys in our home for a very long time if ever. I understand it's in male nature to conquer and protect, but I don't think pretending with guns should be part of little boys' lives. Personal preference, that's all. So far, we've been quite successful at this. The only exposure my boys have had to guns and killing is pretty much the news which is always reporting on situations involving soldiers, weapons, police, murder, etc. And I am perfectly ok with that. I don't want my sons to be ignorant of these things -- but I do want them to learn about them with a proper perspective. So far so good. (And I'll take a moment to thank my older sister for asking her sons not to gun-play around my boys during the holidays...it really meant a lot to me that she respected my preference even though it is different from hers!)

So back to the question, "Does Jesus love soldiers?" What a question from a 3 year old! It immediately showed me that perhaps he was doubting that Jesus loves soldiers, but why? Ah, maybe because he understands that soldiers kill people and killing is wrong. God is the one who is gives and takes life. I asked him, "Do you think that Jesus might not love soldiers because they kill people?" He nodded his head yes. How precious to see such an innocent thought process. The answer was not very easy to explain, and even made me have a basic realization about soldiers. I began with explaining that yes, Jesus does love soldiers. Jesus loves all people and wants them to love Him. I told Judah that being a soldier is a job just like being a doctor, which he seemed to understand. Matt explained to him that many soldiers don't even use their guns, that they help rescue people and provide for their needs. I jumped in to tell Judah that a long, long time ago, God had his very own army...men were soldiers for God! He smiled really big! But then it hit me...wait a second. God had an army, and He commanded that army numerous times to conquer other peoples and not leave one human being alive in various cities. That's killing. And God punished His army if they did NOT obey His command to kill everyone they conquered. Wow. Matt piped up to say that was a concept we didn't need to start teaching yet -- and it's a concept I'm not sure we can fully understand as humans!

Last night, Judah all of the sudden told me that if we don't read our Bible and pray, we will start shrinking. I'm sure it came from Sunday school, but he was not able to explain it in different terms. Still not certain what exactly he means! :-)

How can we see Jesus and God?

The other day at breakfast, Judah randomly asked me, "How can we see Jesus and God?" A little stunned at the depth of this early morning question, it took me a few seconds to figure out how to answer. One quick look out the window reminded me that at this moment in life, we can see WHO God is by looking at His creation. I explained this to Judah.

See how beautiful the snow is and how amazing it is?
Yes.
Well, who made all the snow?
GOD!
If He made all the snow, then He is more beautiful and more amazing than even all that snow! And someday, we will see Jesus Himself if we believe in Him, love Him, and obey Him.

Judah got a serene and excited smile as he piped up: "I believe in Jesus!!!"

Please, Lord, let this kiddo's heart continue down this path!

How God Made Judah

One of the running themes of our Christmas vacation was children finding candy and cookies and secretly eating them. It started with Elijah finding Matt's reeses pb cup gift during "naptime" and eating 13 of them before Judah ran to get us. Later that same day, he kept finding some of the other kids' candy and tried to open it before I caught him. A few days later, the boys found some of Papa's lime cookies and munched on those. Jeepers! And here's where the story of How God Made Judah comes in...

Matt took Judah into the kitchen to talk to him about eating Papa's cookies without asking permission. Judah had a white ring around his mouth, and the lime cookies have a powdered finish on them. Judah answered "no" when asked if he ate any of the cookies. Hmm. Didn't exactly match up with what his lips showed. So Matt started talking to him about whether or not he was lying and how his lips looked like they had something on them. Matt asked Judah why he had white stuff on his lips. "Because that's how God made me." After further discussion, Judah was not backing down from his "no I didn't eat a cookie." Matt got a rag to wipe Judah's mouth -- and discovered it was dried milk rather than powdered sugar! :-P So Judah was telling the truth. And we guess he said that's how God made him because he was trying to come up with something to explain why there was white stuff on his lips so he wouldn't be in trouble. Oh, how the human mind works -- and this smart one is in a 3 year old's body!