Memory & Fear

Yesterday, I was sitting with the boys eating lunch at the dining room table as usual. It became overcast and the wind picked up to a gentle breeze. Nothing more. And yet, as I dined, I kept feeling strange things well up inside me. After a while I realized they were memories. Quite vivid memories of last fall...when the tree fell against our house. I tried to push each memory aside and calm the trace amount of physical feelings of fear that the memories were causing. I reminded myself that my mom told me it will take years to not be quite so antsy about trees falling (she speaks from personal experience). It was an odd sensation, to be sure. It's been almost a year. Everything is fine. It was a tropical storm, not just a gentle breeze, that took the tree down. But, oh the power of human memory!

God is good to give us memory -- we would be useless without it. Memory ranges from faulty to so perfect you can live through the past as if it were happening again...all in your mind. It can be used for us to help us succeed in academics, relationships, life in general, and especially in our spiritual walk. But, if allowed to fall into the wrong hands (aka Satan), it can easily be used against us. In my case, I'm learning that memory of certain situations can lead to present fear. It took me a couple months (or more) to not be affected by trees blowing in the wind. Once I didn't feel the fear anymore, I thought I was over that life hurdle. Apparently not. Because it is still in my memory which will be with me for life. It can therefore be used against me to tempt me into sins of not trusting God's sovereign control, His goodness, His protection, His will. After all, isn't this mistrust of God just a different label for "fear"? A better label, in fact?

So even though I remember details like...

• Who was sitting where in the dining room
• The timing of Matt's exit from the kitchen
• Being so paralized by shock and fear that I just stood there rather than grab a son and run for the other end of the house
• The bite of ravioli and marinara that I held in my mouth for about 2 minutes without realizing it because my fear was so great
• The gasps for air in an attempt to fill extremely frightened lungs
• Our family falling to the floor in a heap by the front door with two screaming, crying boys and two shaking, crying parents
• Being able to say nothing but "Thank You, Lord" over and over and over
• Justin coming over to help Matt cut the limbs off the house, sweep up the enormous amount of glass, and board up the window
• Making pbj sandwiches in the living room with shaking hands since we couldn't finish our glass-sharded ravioli
• Feeling faint in heart at laying my youngest son down for a nap upstairs while it was still storming -- what if the tree falling wasn't over?
• Taking my still-scared oldest son to the grocery store to get him (and me) out of the house

...and I must stop there. Even though I remember it so vividly, I must always force my will and emotions to remember God had a purpose in it all, He can be trusted fully, and He is good. There is no fear in the Light. Only in Darkness. And since I am in the Light, I need not fear anything.

Perhaps bad memories are good afterall. If we are open to God's leading, we learn good lessons when bad situations happen. And each time our memory replays that event, we are reminded of the best lessons learned -- the ones that taught us more about how fragile we are and how awesome God is.

Halfway through Safely Home

I had to quit reading today because I was so overcome with desire to see Jesus, to hug him and feel his warm embrace. I'd say that is the DEEPEST spiritual desire of mine. Sure, I want to follow Christ, be like Him, be a good servant...but I really just want to finally BE with Him. Yes, rid of sin. But more, resting with HIM. Not just in Him like I do here. But WITH Him. Mmmm.

It also reminded me, once again, how rarely I remember there is spiritual battle waged at every moment all over the globe. That there is so much more than just what my eyes can see. I so often forget. My eyes don't go often enough beyond the physical -- an easy human trap. Everything we do has impact in both the physical and spiritual worlds. If that's not motivation to be more like Christ, I don't know what is.

I also remember how brainwashed we are to be "tolerant" in America. So much that we assume other countries are as tolerant -- well, those of us who haven't traveled outside the US much. ;-) It is so hard to imagine this kind of persecution happening daily to real people who have the Answer.

Beauty and the Beast

There is one movie I will always love no matter how old I get. The boys and I watched most of it this morning (I skip some parts). I thought I'd share a few highlights as it was a fun and special time for us.




-Judah calls it "Pew-tee & da Beasss."

-When Belle walked out of her home at the beginning, Judah said, "She looks like Mommy!"

-I love how my boys love to snuggle. I have two arms and two sides for two little boys to snuggle up close!

-I got an insatiable urge to color while watching. Made me remember my childhood days of coloring pretty dresses and Disney princesses. :-)

-Beauty and the Beast is a great movie to emphasize that "A soft answer turns away wrath." Judah was noticing as the movie went on that "He's [Beast] not angry anymore." I told him that Belle's kindness was helping Beast not be as angry. Her soft voice was calming him down...the same is true in real life when we use kind speech seasoned with grace when talking with Mommy, Daddy, or Elijah. Soft answers help others not be angry.

-Elijah loves for me to hold him and dance cheek to cheek during "Tale as Old as Time." He does it for the entire song and especially loves the twirls.

-At the end, we often have to explain why Beast and Gaston are fighting. When Gaston fell, Judah said he wasn't angry anymore. I told him the reason Gaston fell was because he wouldn't leave Beast alone and was very angry at Beast. Anger leads to ruin and only hurts people. Judah said of Gaston, "He needs Jesus." ::sigh of contentment:: I love little snippets of proof that Matt and I are succeeding in our goal to raise kids who understand and love Christ even if we fail to be perfect parents.

Divin' In

WOAH, you say. Me, too! I finally looked into a spiffy blogger template since I keep seeing some pretty awesome one's out there...and kept wondering how on earth people get them. Duh -- Google search. So, welcome to the new look for my blog! I may keep retitling it until I settle on what strikes my fancy. :-)

Thought for Today

Our pastor is currently doing a series on the Life of Elijah. Sure, Bible stories we've heard since we were kids. But it is so different hearing it as an adult from a preacher rather than a 6 year old from a sweet teacher. The current topic in Elijah's life is that he was a man of pure devotion. Yesterday was all about the story when Elijah went up against 450 prophets of Baal. Looking at each aspect of that contest shows just how powerful and serious it was. One particular focus got Pastor fired up and really shocked me with realization. After the prophets had been carrying on for several hours, Elijah mocked them. He used biting sarcasm as he encouraged them to call out louder to their god -- and attacked Baal directly. What courage it took to do that! He, one man, was mocking 450 hyped up zealots of Baal while an entire nation looked on.

Now, in today's society, we are taught directly and indirectly not to offend others. To be politically correct. Take into account how others might feel if you say or do [whatever]. And never attack someone else for who they are or what they believe. But Elijah did just that -- and it was commended in Scripture, looked well upon by God Almighty. Nothing is recorded against Elijah for what he said to the prophets of Baal. In fact, God instantly answered Elijah's prayer full tilt as soon as the last word left Elijah's lips. He didn't take a minute to tell Elijah he should have been a little easier on the prophets.

Here's the point. We are called to destroy and refute anything raised up against the one true God (II Cor. 10:5). We are called to be courageous, confident, zealous, and boastful in the Lord. If my believing in Jesus Christ steps on someone else's toes, then so be it. He is more important than their feelings. In fact, He is so important that they should be thankful for a stubbed toe, repent, and be saved! Isn't their eternal destiny more important than how they'll feel if I thank Jesus Christ the Son of God when asked to pray publicly?

Sincerity in religion means nothing unless you are worshiping the one true God -- Creator of the Universe, Yahweh to Israel, and Father of Jesus Christ our Savior.

A Kid's Dream

This morning, Judah came in our room in typical fashion and snuggled in bed with me. After a while, this is what he said...

"There was a log coming down from the sky. It was going to touch the ground. Daddy used my green blanket to hit it, and it went away. ::long pause:: It had two mean eyes."

I asked him if it was a dream, and he said it happened "two months ago." I was more confused. I asked him if it was a tornado or if it was from a movie he has seen, trying to figure out why he would be talking about something like this. He said it was real. And that the log came off of a logging truck, came down from the sky, and was going to touch the ground. "And Daddy used your blanket to hit it away?" "No, he used MY blanket."

Um, ok?

**EDIT**
I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT! The other day, I let Judah watch the last cartoon on Fantasia 2000 which I had up to that point not been letting him watch due to intensity. The last cartoon is about a GREEN woodland fairy that looks sort of like a soft, flowy blanket. She battles a "firebird" that is dark with two mean red eyes and dives at the ground (which could look like a log coming down to the ground). In the end, the green blanket (the fairy) defeats the log with two mean eyes (the firebird). Fascinating. Perhaps we wont' be watching that one again for quite some time...

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At breakfast, Elijah saw that I had just eaten the last bite of my waffle. He said, "Mee-mee, done!" He still calls me Mee-mee, by the way. I've tried to correct him a few times, but it never takes. And I'm not sure I mind that it doesn't take. I'm growing to find Mee-mee sentimental. <3 I can't believe he'll be two in a few weeks!

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Poor Judah. All day yesterday, he complained of his legs aching. Last night he started running a low fever. This morning, he still has the same exact temperature, and his legs are VERY tender in the back. You barely push on it and he cries. Strained muscles? Growing pains? :-(

Judah Speak

Breh-bres: breakfast
Pop hoder: pot holder

No matter how many times I correct him, he sings two songs incorrectly.

Bob the Builder: Instead of "working together, they get the job done," he sings "boinging together, they get the job done."

ABC's: "...h, i, k, k, l, m, n, o, p..."

At lunch I was telling him how cool it will be when Jesus comes back to Earth, and we can see Him. Judah responded with, "When Daddy sins, he needs Jesus." :-P So I reminded Judah that when Mommy, Judah, and Elijah sin, we need Jesus, too.

An Elijah Antic

I heard the bathroom door open. I heard the toilet lid open. I heard some water splashing in the toilet bowl. I ran to the bathroom, knowing it had to be Elijah. (Judah doesn't randomly play with the toilet. It's not his style.) There Elijah was, bottle brush from the kitchen in hand, scrubbing the toilet. Monkey see, monkey misinterpret Momma's cleaning tools, then Monkey do.

Into the trash the bottle brush went. The handle was broken anyway. Thanks for the excuse to finally throw it away, Son!