Memory & Fear

Yesterday, I was sitting with the boys eating lunch at the dining room table as usual. It became overcast and the wind picked up to a gentle breeze. Nothing more. And yet, as I dined, I kept feeling strange things well up inside me. After a while I realized they were memories. Quite vivid memories of last fall...when the tree fell against our house. I tried to push each memory aside and calm the trace amount of physical feelings of fear that the memories were causing. I reminded myself that my mom told me it will take years to not be quite so antsy about trees falling (she speaks from personal experience). It was an odd sensation, to be sure. It's been almost a year. Everything is fine. It was a tropical storm, not just a gentle breeze, that took the tree down. But, oh the power of human memory!

God is good to give us memory -- we would be useless without it. Memory ranges from faulty to so perfect you can live through the past as if it were happening again...all in your mind. It can be used for us to help us succeed in academics, relationships, life in general, and especially in our spiritual walk. But, if allowed to fall into the wrong hands (aka Satan), it can easily be used against us. In my case, I'm learning that memory of certain situations can lead to present fear. It took me a couple months (or more) to not be affected by trees blowing in the wind. Once I didn't feel the fear anymore, I thought I was over that life hurdle. Apparently not. Because it is still in my memory which will be with me for life. It can therefore be used against me to tempt me into sins of not trusting God's sovereign control, His goodness, His protection, His will. After all, isn't this mistrust of God just a different label for "fear"? A better label, in fact?

So even though I remember details like...

• Who was sitting where in the dining room
• The timing of Matt's exit from the kitchen
• Being so paralized by shock and fear that I just stood there rather than grab a son and run for the other end of the house
• The bite of ravioli and marinara that I held in my mouth for about 2 minutes without realizing it because my fear was so great
• The gasps for air in an attempt to fill extremely frightened lungs
• Our family falling to the floor in a heap by the front door with two screaming, crying boys and two shaking, crying parents
• Being able to say nothing but "Thank You, Lord" over and over and over
• Justin coming over to help Matt cut the limbs off the house, sweep up the enormous amount of glass, and board up the window
• Making pbj sandwiches in the living room with shaking hands since we couldn't finish our glass-sharded ravioli
• Feeling faint in heart at laying my youngest son down for a nap upstairs while it was still storming -- what if the tree falling wasn't over?
• Taking my still-scared oldest son to the grocery store to get him (and me) out of the house

...and I must stop there. Even though I remember it so vividly, I must always force my will and emotions to remember God had a purpose in it all, He can be trusted fully, and He is good. There is no fear in the Light. Only in Darkness. And since I am in the Light, I need not fear anything.

Perhaps bad memories are good afterall. If we are open to God's leading, we learn good lessons when bad situations happen. And each time our memory replays that event, we are reminded of the best lessons learned -- the ones that taught us more about how fragile we are and how awesome God is.